I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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