i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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