I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
