i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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