he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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