I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
