he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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