at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
