I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
