I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
