He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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