Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
