saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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