can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
