An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
