I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
