I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
