That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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