is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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