I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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