Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
