I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
