I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
