I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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