The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
