let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
