Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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