she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
