he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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