How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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