***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
