i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
