Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
