I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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