the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i out mim tonsoeep
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