i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
