Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
