I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
