god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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