So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
