Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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