Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
