he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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