Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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