I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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