they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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