I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im part way to drunk.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
