I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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