I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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