it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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