my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
