im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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