Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
