Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
