I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
